This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder