this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
You sure about that?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*