this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
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A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”