this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
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•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Why is no one talking about this?!
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic