This kid is a star!
You Might Also Like
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.