This kid is a star!
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Mistakes were made
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.