This kid is a star!
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar