You Might Also Like
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The funk soul brother
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
#polloftheday
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”