Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

new career option?

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.