This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
bad news gang
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
We need to put an American base on the sun
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.