This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
a New Yorker reject, for you
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.