This kid is going places
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes