This kid is going places
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Every damn time
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
orange cat behavior
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses