This kid is going places
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
When your best mate counts as a desk too
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton