This kid is going places
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.