This kid is going places
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me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Does beer think about me too?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.