Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”