*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.