This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
are they though??
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
A completely valid reaction tbh
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
