Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Merica.

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.