This kinda thing happens to me often
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
#MeanwhileinCanada
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
A game married people play.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Not all heroes wear capes….
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
every olympics i turn into this guy
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”