This kinda thing happens to me often
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot