This kinda thing happens to me often
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
cry laughing at this shit
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*