This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
