This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is