This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.