This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
You Might Also Like
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
quarantine day 3
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
they really do be looking like this
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician