This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
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I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Let鈥檚 move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I鈥檇 nearly have a Euro.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
The real reason evolution started..馃槀
Son: how will I know when I鈥檓 a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
When the battle starts, but it鈥檚 also laundry day
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.