This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
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If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
why am I working on Labor Day
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?