Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*