This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Hey I worked for it too!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up