This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
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Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
my name if I was in the mob
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.