This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Respect
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.