Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Oh yeah that’s it

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth