This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”