This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
i want enemies
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap