This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Arrest that man!
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
