This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
i now pronounce you bounced.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
So the ex texted me
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
