this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.