this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years