Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

your daddy is a what now?

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up