Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

*exercises sarcastically*

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*