@iMikosnyc

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

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@Mhmm_ok_sure

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

@L8yK8y

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

@daemonic3

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

@ArrowsOfTheSun

Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?

@bingowings14

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

@benicus_rex

The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”

@ch000ch

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

@shkeeber

Her: You into S&M.

Him: Sure.

Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*

Him: Oh yeah.

Her: Ready…?

Him: Torture me!

Her: *plays Nickelback*

@yoyoha

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.