This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Velcrow
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.