This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
You Might Also Like
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?