this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
A Monday every week is excessive
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
