This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
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Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche