Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#DesignFail

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.