This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit