Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Me trying to “trust the process”

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.