Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Sorry. Not sorry

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Oddly specific

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Ooops wrong house😂😜

White parent Vs Arab parents