This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
those birds must be on payroll
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.