This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Called it
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.