Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.