This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?