This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
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Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what