This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Peace was never an option
what’s more important?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
