This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
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Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
is it earth
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
me as a parent
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”