This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
You Might Also Like
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱