This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
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He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
thanks auntie mary
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Safety first
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF