This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
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[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded