This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.