This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
the official breakfast of 2021
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
The Sun
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside