This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
