Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

The human personality is made of five key elements

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.