Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

For real 🤣

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

Finally! 😈

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.