This line from Airplane.
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Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My first son he is wonderful
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?