This line from Airplane.
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sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
And now we wait
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.