I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Never ghost your hitman.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Think I pulled my liver
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”