this lipgloss is called mcdonalds hash brown

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If you’re behind someone at an ATM, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.


The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.


I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.


Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]


Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.


The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.


If you didn’t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.


boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles


guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?