this lipgloss is called mcdonalds hash brown

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Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies


5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now


Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.


Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.


[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff


What do you get when you pick a pigs nose?
I know. It snot funny. I’ll go now.


Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF