@KissabiX

this lipgloss is called mcdonalds hash brown

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@bellicosejason

If you’re behind someone at an ATM, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

@Angibangie

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

@TheCareBare

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

@VerbsRProudest

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

@Parentpains

If you didn’t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

@danadonly

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?