Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

Actually cracking up @ this

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all