Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Have a lovely day 😊

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

A new level of troll.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.