This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.