This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.