This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
You Might Also Like
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
