This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest