This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
For those that worship cheese..
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
😭😭😭
smh
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I need better friends
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.