This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
how it started vs how it ended
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
That’s amazing.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper